total darkness

it came to me like a startling dream. maybe it was a dream in the first place. was it? i don't exactly know what happens every time but i just remember feeling scared, worried and alone. sometimes it ends in cold sweat and me sitting on the bed in the dark, darting my eyes around for solace.. only to find pitch darkness around me. when i catch my breath, i close my eyes again, breathe and drift off again. the moment has passed. but the feeling lingers. it happens every other night and i don't quite remember the last time i didn't feel that.

these days, i still get the lapses but spanned out in a few days. it feels calming and a sense of security knowing that when it happens again, i am able to open my eyes and see those pair of eyes looking back at me. and if in the pitch darkness, i feel your arms pulling me even closer when i whimper. at the same time, i am scared again. what if i am dependent on your warmth and the beating of your heart against my cheek? scared that when i get used to all of this and let myself feel that i am finally safe, i am suddenly startled awake again. and once again, find myself in total darkness.